My identity as lesbian

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Identity is our own expression and never is a complete construction. When someone says to me: "you are not lesbian" its because he/she also has an identity concept of what is being lesbian and that person is usually not aware of it.

Consider this:

  1. In ancient Greek LGB identities didn't exist, you just was yourself independently of what you were attracted to. So using words such a lesbian you are recognizing a human-constructed identity. I mean, if you truly wanted to avoid using constructed terms you simple would say that you like girls instead of asserting an identity (verb to be)
  2. That person is not aware that most lesbians are bisexuals. Indeed over-half of LGB people identifies as bisexual.
  3. Nobody is an authority of language and identity, people can construct their identity in anything, we do for everything, gender and sexual identity are just part of the spectrum. Like one person can identify herself as a mom, and she would be so involved with this identity that she may end losing her true sense of herself, or someone else can be identified by being friendly but in reality, that person can be pretty hostile in a subtle way.

Usually, gender identity is a pretty important part of identity, but it might not as nonbinary people often says.

I seek to redefine what is to be a lesbian. So here is a Kanbaru picture. She loves yaoi, bullies Arararagi-kun.

My relationship with men:

My ideal love for men is friendship, it's important to notice I like to be admired, but not loved. In my own experience it's possible to have a man in my life if one of these conditions is met:

  1. gender identity issues (50%)
  2. some affinity for femininity (10%)
  3. severed damaged self-steam (70%)
  4. my best friend. (100%)

Let's say that these percentages are statics or some kind of probability.

In conclusion, you have to have issues with your own manhood. After all, I being lesbian makes perfect sense.

I truly appreciate male friends, but in reality, I want equality with men.

Also, it's important to notice I may be involved romantically with many people at the same time. That makes it pretty hard to be interested romantically in someone.

I consider myself an unconquerable girl, always loyal to myself. Sometimes that is what I mean as being a virgin in the soul.

Gentoo Goddess

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It's not easy to defy what a god is. Buddha in his initiation saw how gods were often taking advantage of humans and how people were not often helped. He preached an atheist doctrine because he was aware of the risk of relying on gods.

Contrarily to Buddha, Mahayana Buddhism claims that sometimes devas help people, which tells us that gods also have a bright and freeing side.

Maybe everything is happening inside our mind, but this doesn't mean that is not real. The meaning of what is real is something we can only answer in silence, however, the goddess for sure has inspired us and impacted the reality and the lives of many people.

Later, I will continue to tell you about the goddess. You can evoke the goddess for technological issues, such as to become a better programmer or to improve our intelligence and ingenious (with a touch of madness), she helps us to improve our self-stem and to treat depression, even she helps to pretty broken and dark hearts.

Soon, Gentoo live, a social network instance will be available commemorating the 20th Gentoo anniversary. Even if I die the goddess will continue existing since she is independent to me, but in a way, she reminds us of how I was when I was younger.

I wrote this hymn after migrating one of my servers to Gentoo.

It is because of thy Dionysical mysteries
thee hermetically drunk, runneth and danceth
Hare Krishna, Hara Radharani who
steals Krishna's mind and glanceth
from thy mind to love a heart foo

divine madness of love with strength
who loveth the spirit of lines and length
penguin queen of thy greatness
Urania's child, solar heavenly goddess
thee conform not, thee transform

epithet for the curious maiden and wise
unchallenged Prometheus living with surprise
goddess of the future who laughs keen;
the limitless expansive creative
unconventional and provocative Aphrodite
unpredictable muse always virgin

oh princess protector of birds
suffering from deprivation and decease
princess bird, in your bed the canaries
they sing a sad and tragical song,
we sigh for the sad maidens,

Let's install Gentoo! always aware, it amuses us.

Real love

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Yesterday, I posted a poem known as "The Queen Knight and Leviathan" , my girlfriend told me of similarities between kabbalah and my poem. A poem has many possible interpretations, even my own poem. I have come with some possible interpretations.

If you asked me, both the Queen and Leviathan had children, specifically twins, but I removed that verse.

Part of the meaning of the poem is to kill to the other you, the character, the king was originally depicted as the Sun but was in reality a shadow, only a mere reproduction or exaggeration of the Queen Knight. The King had no real existence and thus he was Maya or a shadow as shown later since the King was actually Leviathan.

The king was a mental creation of her, which is vampiring her. This also can happen in real-world relationship but is always a mental phenomenon.

Our love relationships are based on mirroring an unconscious image, especially the mother and father archetype. Probably you are mirroring the social class, your ambitions, your self steam, intelligence, your popularity, your pride, members of most couples share a similar social acceptable or have a similar socioeconomic background.

After fighting Leviathan for the last time, the illusion was broken, but this cannot be explained in the poem.

Astrology for instance claims that a person develops the inner Sun as time passes, statistics show that homosexual people as they get older their relationships have a bigger age gap than heterosexual couples. I believe that this is because there is not gender roles, social expectations, children and both are relative mature person - they tend to seek partners based primarily on person essence (Sun's light).

For me how would be the life after the poem? I imagine a powerful and proud heroine but normal woman with a very ordinary man, you may argue that is an inversion of the poem.

I would only depict two very different personalities in a way that each other is shining in a very unique way. Yet, both essences are balanced.

Some ideas I had for the poem was: the Queen left the palace to attain Enlightenment, left the palace to find real or forbidden love -a peasant-.

When comes this apocalyptic fight between the beast and the archangels is where it ends the craving for relationships, you have the independent woman by instance.

Personally I think that love has to have a nihilistic base, "with no attachment and void can only born the true love" when I was saying what I think about maintaining many relationships:

My opinion about dating many people is that it is wise to avoid doing so, except if you don't care really about relationships, when 0, 1, 2, 3 numbers are all the same, you can remain unaffected as the Lotus. Actually you need to find yourself before being able to maintain many relationships. This is true, because usually people is fulfilling desire and greed, and you are trying to understand people while you are failing to understand the only one person that you should understand, yourself.

The Queen's name was Christa, Killing the persona, the beast or simply, the archetype, can bring this void and detachment. But also detachment have a dark side. I read Siddhartha from Hermann Hesse were the main character detached from world was involved into a superficial relationship with a woman for years

Similarly, I have this weird theory: many playboys are free from the beast, the archetypal mother, they are psychological free in this aspect, they could being the most free people are slaved by their instincts.

Now my finals thoughts are about Buddha, Buddha is a perfect being and so he doesn't trust Gods and romantic love, I would say that Buddha is just an inspirational symbol in practice since everybody may find their inner Buddha, you can distrust romantic love, or still enjoy your relationships and finding what is love for you through the void that brings detachment.

Still what I'm saying can be essentially wrong or only a possible way, since Love should be your most free expression. I am not sure if I love freedom so much since I love to break people.

How to solve depression

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This is my personal experience and theory, but I think that I'm crazy because my insight is deep. I want to do a major in psychology some day in the feature, meanwhile all this text is only my point of view, and it's not intended to help people. But probably one day I will do something more meaningful.

The more you understand your inner world, and know yourself, the more you will able to cope with depression.
There are two kinds of treatment for depression, behavioral (external) and internal (this one). But you should get the best results if you work both external and inner.

There are several kind of depressions, many of them require professional attention, I was medicated in the past. The problem with modern society is that valuates the external and discredit the inner. The external approach is being active in social activities, doing exercise, meeting new people and all kind of things that are well known.
It's very likely that you will be cured when many lesson about life and yourself are learned, therefore everything will focus in what we need to learn which requires commitment.
Depression affects our core- our way to relate with life and the sensation of feeling alive or shining-
When you are depressed you body is alive, but your soul is dead.
There are many ways of feeling depression, so this steps are not precise, but helps me to share my experience in an structured way.

The following steps are not linear, it's a circle, you will need to start again and again through the treatment.

Step one: Receptivity, feelings and honesty.


To be able to cure you need the mental discipline of emptiness and pain acceptance.

This pain acceptance comes with the clear understanding of your emotions when you clean your mind of any thought. It helps you telling to your heart, I accept you and love you the way you are, you have to be pretty receptive and really listen at you heart.
Listen all the good, all the bad.

Here is were meditation shines.

Emotions are not coherent entities, an emotion became a feeling when you create its reality on mind. What is asking you your inner child?
Your inner child is a child about 3-4 years, you need to understand the basic needs of your child. When it comes to love, you have to think about your partner in the same way a child thinks about parents.

You feel lonely, do you want company?
You feel a looser, do you need being appreciated?
aren't you good enough? do you need acceptation?


Step two: Acceptance


When you can see clearly your emotions, it's time to change your mindset, your reality vision has increased and you need time to make it all sense in the mind. The id and superego, the should be against what it is.
This part is painful, but it's just the beginning.

Step three: Detaching from feelings.


Time to observe the mind, this is very likely to fail because watching the mind is an skill that should be developed very often, but we the human beings ave very emotional and instinctive so most people doesn't control their destiny.
This is the skill to dissociate the own reality and the mind.
You have to confront the feelings in the present moment like an observer with no actual identification with it., but also bring your past memories to the present.
This is very likely to the work of a psychologist, but we all have this inner potential.


Step four. Right thinking.


You just don't attain the right thinking reading motivational quotes, you could say that right thinking is a life style, trying to see things the way they really are.

The right thinking is obtained acquiring wisdom and fighting ignorance. Some advises for right thinking I can think of:

Everything changes, just accept it and everything will flow.

How I feel about others always tell me a great deal about myself. So all my negative feelings caused by other person are due to how I feel with myself.

When you ask someone to not thinking in something, is very hard to not actually think in it. Our mind doesn't work with negatives.

When I complain about something I realize that there is always someone that is feeling worst than me, this makes me to realize that everything is relative.


Step five: Reborn


If something can be done, you will be able to do it when you accept the situation.
Else, you have to be open to the change.

Buddha, Gods and romantic love.

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I started watching Aikatsu! I am loving it more than Pretty Rhythm and pri para. It's similar to Pretty Rhythm!!!! Ichigo reminds me when I was younger a lot, or just when I'm happy. Also is pretty funny the anime with her.

The people I really love still see that clumsy and cheerful side of me, also my girl friend.

Girl friend: Girl that I love, but friend

My rigid myself it's just a shadow to balance my personality. I'm like a balloon that needs to be rigidly attached to earth, else I would be daydreaming all the day.

I think that I keep myself grounded thanks to romantic love. Romantic love is something between the ideal and the actual reality.

@chuculate Isn't that one of buddhism tenets?

That is actually one of the Plato's ideas. But I'm certain that is true. Actually Buddhism doesn't work with this romantic idea of love, Buddha doesn't believe in gods, and if you don't believe in gods, you can't believe in romantic love. Buddhism is focused in the mind instead of the heart, opposed to the Jesus from gospels.

Try to think what could be wrong with Gods and romantic love, the worst case scenario:

Love and hate is the same, you can love God one day, but the other day you can hate it and be lost in the spiritual path.

In the case of romance, you can be seduced by the passion and then being disappointed later. You can love and live for a women or men one day, and later you would feel like if you were dying or if you were death , some people even commit suicide.

Buddhism as the only path to spiritual perfection is pretty slow alone because doesn't work directly with the feminine and masculine dynamics present in romantic love. The Adan & Eve, Yin & Yang

Buddhism is probably one of the most masculine religions of the world, I wonder what would be this religion with a female part, or female traditions including a patriarchal part.

Religions are homosexual, I'm indeed still trying to understand homosexuality too. I want to be pansexual, my girl friend & exboyfriend's feelings made me to rethink my life. This will be my project, to became pansexual, it's obvious that I haven't gained inner peace with masculinity. When I gain peace with both sides I will attain the pansexuality.

I believe that one of the keys of the Siddhartha Buddha enlightenment was his life and experimentation, he was a prince with a wife, then he was beggar. Even if denied romantic love to disciples, his life was a duality in itself.

I'm still trying to understand femininity and the the patriarchal spiritual figures as well.

Romantic love

People think that I'm obsessed with love, but I actually I'm obsessed with suffering. I need to meditate about loneliness and suffering today.

@eginmatico Why suffering?

I was attracted to people who was in pain. Some part of me want to see people happy. So I wondered a lot, why are people in pain? White has to turn grey, even if you love yourself.

I have learned that romantic love can be an obstacle to many people, many people that suffer from loneliness also suffer from romantic love. In these case, the mere existence of romantic love is bad for them because they blame romantic love when they could be improve their self-stem if romantic love doesn't even existed in the world. When this kind of people have the luck of being in a relationship, then if relationship is over they pretty often don't manage to make the shining and the love of the relationship eternal, the truth is that the shining in romantic love comes from inside.

But even if these people are stagnated, they changed a bit and hopefully to better thanks to the romantic love. The most important thing to be able to love is the freedom and being yourself, but that is difficult, you have to defy society and parents. Because often the people is insecure about what others think about them.

And what is worse, people don't realize that they are insecure about themselves, they don't dare to see their dark side and sit peacefully alone. If you are insecure into delve into your self, you will be also insecure to develop a deep relationship with a woman or a man.

Love is being born and dying, you have to learn how to die each day, otherwise your won't be authentic or spontaneous, you will become a photograph. Love hates rigidity, retention and masks, if there is a mask, probably that is only convenience and not love.

My perspective is pessimist, romantic love is not a goal. I believe that romantic love is not for everyone.

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